What about Elephants? The 7 most ridiculous Michael Jackson lyrics.

Michael Jackson died recently, I don’t know if you heard about it. His funeral has been postponed, presumably a luxury they can allow themselves since he isn’t particularly biodegradeable, and in the hiatus, people seem to have stopped writing about him. Well, I’m here to correct all that and point out that while I am a huge fan of his, sometimes his lyrics (cleverly hidden by the fact that you can’t usually make them out) were a few light years wide of the target marked “good” that all songwriters strive for. Not always though. Dirty Diana, Billie Jean, Beat It, Stranger In Moscow, all of these have pretty stand-up lyrics really. But then there are other moments...

I’ve only picked songs written by Jackson for this list, which isn’t a personal attack on him, but it isn’t really fair to knock him for having written bad lyrics if he didn’t write them, n’est pas? I’m also not picking one line wonders, such as “She came at me in sections” from Dangerous. Sure, it doesn’t make any sense and is a rubbish lyric, but it’s on its own and we’ll let him off, I suppose. The other big decision is whether or not I allow the endless bloody talking that seems to go on in Jackson songs. If I do, then the whole top 5 is surely bound to be made up of them. If I don’t, I have to miss out on writing about just how bad The Girl Is Mine is, therefore – talking bits are allowed. Oh, I’m also not putting anything from “Speechless” on here, mainly because the entire song is so morbidly offensive that I can’t pick out a single lyric that deserves particular ridicule. I also didn’t include the opening line of “Bad” – “your butt is mine”. It’s too funny really. I’ve said before about the stupidity of Michael Jackson trying to look hard – he’s about as threatening as a dishcloth and really ought to have known that.

Anyway, without further ado, and in no particular order (Girl is Mine is the worst) – here are the 7 most ridiculous Michael Jackson lyrics.

1. A Strange Metaphor.
Song: Wanna be Starting Something
Album: Thriller
Offending Lyrics:
You're A Vegetable, You're A Vegetable
Still They Hate You, You're A Vegetable
You're Just A Buffet, You're A Vegetable
They Eat Off Of You, You're A Vegetable

Comment: Ok, maybe this is just me failing to understand the situation, but at no point of this or any other song could this make sense. It honestly just sounds like he’s gone mental mid-song, and is blabbing some crazy idiocy. Although interestingly, the producer of this album was American legend Bob Carrot, and some have suggested...no, I’m just messing. Seriously, Thriller sold like 75 million copies. How? HOW?

2. Filler, anyone?
Song: The Girl Is Mine
Album: Thriller
Offending Lyrics:
The Girl Is Mine
The Doggone Girl Is Mine

Comment: Not the worst crime in history, nearly every artist has used a filler word here and there to pad out the lyrics, but Doggone? What are we now in the Old West ready to gunsling? Oh hang on a sec, the knives are about to come out for the most pathetic fight in history...

3. Talking to Paul
Song: The Girl Is Mine
Album: Thriller
Offending Lyrics: *incidentally, all of this is spoken except the last line. Yes, that’s right. Spoken. Like, as if they were having a conversation. Talking. I could vomit.
[Paul]
Michael, We're Not Going To Fight About This, Okay
[Michael]
Paul, I Think I Told You, I'm A Lover Not A Fighter
[Paul]
I've Heard It All Before, Michael
She Told Me That I'm Her Forever Lover, You Know, Don't You Remember
[Michael]
Well, After Loving Me, She Said She Couldn't Love Another
[Paul]
Is That What She Said
[Michael]
Yes, She Said It, You Keep Dreaming
[Paul]
I Don't Believe It

Comment: Does this even need a comment? Michael Jackson and Paul McCartney offering each other out is just about the most laughable thing I’ve ever heard. They literally must be the least threatening rock/pop stars in history. If it was Tommy Lee giving the finger to John Bonham, then we’d all be queuing for tickets, but not these two care bears. Talking in songs is rarely, if ever a good idea, and this is surely one of the most awful examples of it. On their own, these artists are two of the most important people ever to contribute to the world of music. In fact, if you had to make a list of the top 5 artists who have changed the face of music, they would both be on the list. And yet together, all they ever seemed to do was come up with flannel-esque paisley crap like this. And Girlfriend, and Say, Say, Say. Honestly, what the hell got into them?

4. Necessity is the mother of invention...
Song: Speed Demon
Album: Bad
Offending Lyrics:
Speedin' On The Freeway
Gotta Get A Leadway

Comment: Leadway isn’t a word. That’s my only major problem with this lyric, which is that in his hurry to find something that rhymes and kind of makes sense, Jackson has invented a word just to save himself a bit of effort. It’s like when MLS players call the halfway line “the midfield stripe”. We all know what they mean, but don’t go inventing words just for the hell of it. It’s hugely annoying. If you can’t find anything appropriate to rhyme with Freeway, then don’t use Freeway.

5. 2000 Whats.
Song: 2000 Watts
Album: Invincible
Offending Lyrics:
3D, high speed, feedback, Dolby
Release two or three, when I reach I can go ‘til I hit my peak
Compact steelo, chico, D-Lo, highpost lady
Shorty really wanna be there for me

Comment: Sorry, what?

6. As judgement calls go...
Song: The Lost Children
Album: Invincible
Offending Lyrics:
We pray for our fathers, pray for our mothers
Wishing our families well
We sing songs for the wishing, of those who are kissing
But not for the missing

[CHORUS]
So this one’s for all the lost children
This one’s for all the lost children
This one’s for all the lost children, wishing them well
And wishing them home

Comment: Awful. Get it off my stereo. Not only is it awful, but this song is monumentally mis-judged by everyone who allowed it to be on the album. Now I know that Jackson was never convicted of anything, and he always maintained his innocence, but there are two things worth keeping in mind before you allow a song about letting lost children into your home to look after them onto your album; a song that has a part at the end where Michael leads a young child into the forest, where it’s “so quiet” – a song that talks about how he can see young children snuggled up with their parents, but that the door is “simply wide open”. Thing number 1 – not many people believe he was innocent, and thing number 2, LYRICS LIKE THAT ARE WHY!! I mean honestly, I know that he lived in his own little world and was surrounded by people who said yes to everything and he was clearly completely mentally absent from the world that you and I inhabit, but how on earth did nobody listen to this song and just say “You know what Mike? I think we can leave this one off the album.”

7. John 11:35. (Look it up)
Song: Cry
Album: Invincible
Offending Lyrics:
You can change the world (I can't do it by myself)
You can touch the sky (Gonna take somebody's help)
You're the chosen one (I'm gonna need some kind of sign)
If we all cry at the same time tonight

Comment: Just to give you a rough idea of how this chorus goes, basically a choir of heavenly sounding voices sing the bits that aren’t in brackets, and Jackson replies to them by singing the bits that are in brackets. Sound familiar? Yes that’s right, it’s Jackson’s messianic streak coming to the fore yet again. First seen as early as the Can You Feel It Video back in the 80s with the Jacksons, it obviously had its zenith during the Brit Awards rendition of Earth Song, a moment that showed us just how far the King of Pop had descended. But it’s arguably always been there, and here it is again. The other reason this is terrible is that it doesn’t make sense. How is everyone crying at the same time going to help anyone do anything? Load of bilge.

I love Jackson’s music, and he was undoubtedly one of the great performers of our time, and I would argue one of the saddest stories too. But for every great dance move, there seems to have been a cringe-inducingly terrible lyric. Oh, it’s just Bad, the way they make me feel. As a performer, he was a Thriller, but some of his writing was dangerously off the wall.

I'm sorry, I will stop. Usually I don't stop till I get enough but...


Paulo