Hello? Hello!?

My phone.

I don’t want it to surf the internet;
I have a computer.

I don’t want it to play mp3s;
I have an ipod.

I don’t want it to have TV;
I have a TV.

I don’t want it to be able to make my toast;
I have a toaster.

I don’t want it to do anything except TAKE AND MAKE CALLS, and SEND AND RECEIVE TEXTS without breaking down in a fit of overhyped technological incompetence.

Since I left University in 2004 and abandoned my Nokia 3310 for a "better" (not my words, but those of the spot-monster in carphone warehouse) phone, I have had nothing but a long series of disappointments in the phone department. I liked the 3310. It was basic, sure - but it did what mobile phones should do, and it did them simply and well.

I soon realised that phones were being designed to work for as long as your contract lasts. Once this time is up (roughly speaking, I'm not suggesting they're equipped with a timer of some kind that signals when they should stop working) the phones will suddenly lose signal, stop sending messages, etc etc. My SIM card would fall out, my phone would switch itself off, and generally I became more and more impatient with the whole thing.

When my contract was up with T-Mobile, they told me I could have a new handset, with touch-screen WAP something interface, instant picture messaging and the Internet. Now, I'm no fool - the Internet is rubbish on a phone. Everyone knows that. So, I picked the simplest looking handset. As already stated, I am a simple man of simple tastes in phone terms. A few days it arrived, and of course it came with all mod cons and actually went out of its way to be entirely unhelpful, clumsy and difficult to use. So I just sent it back. I'm not wasting my time with all of that nonsense.

Having moaned about it for a while, I decided the other day just to abandon my pretence that I was going to ever keep up with the times, and get myself on eBay to buy a Nokia 3310. And indeed, following a few unsuccessful bids (obviously I'm not the only one who feels cheated by more recent and "impressive" mobiles) I got myself one!

I feel jolly pleased with myself, and have realised that it also means I've gone genuinely retro, i.e. not just jumping a bandwagon but actually going back to something unfashionable just because I prefer how simple it is. I prefer the rubbish old clunky brick to the brand new slinky shiny machines. I have swapped a DVD recorder for a Betamax. I have, in short, taken a giant step towards becoming my father.

When they get a phone together that’s better than the 3310, give me a shout. Until then, I’m sticking to what I know, what I like, and - controversially - what works.