Since I mentioned it on the podcast, I’ve had a bit back about saying that Germany often beat us at football and how the rivalry is “just a game” – and let me tell you why I think that is. Apparently I need to stop being such a stuck-up ponce and just accept that if you fight a war against someone, and win, you’re entitled to rub it in to their faces for the rest of eternity. Well, let’s think about why that might be. It’s because England fans, and by that I mean your traditional clichéd England fans, who like a drink, have no brain and like to make up for their own limitations and shortcomings by fighting foreigners, can’t face the fact – and sadly it is a fact – that Germany have got us by the short and curlies in terms of international football. So here’s my football log blog giving you a brief, depressing, rundown of the footballing history between these two nations.
Other than going back to the first four games England ever played against Germany – and those 4 games were won by an aggregate margin of, wait for it, 38-4, so they don’t count – the rivalry began in earnest in 1966. Now, I know there were a couple of wars inbetween times, in which Germany were the “enemy” – but as I said before, using that as a reason to dislike a football team is stupid, so I don’t do it. The only concession to that I will make is that England beat Germany 3-0 at White Hart Lane in 1933 in a game that the Nazis were basically using as a showpiece for German supremacy. That’s pleasing, but it’s not a reflection on the Germans as a whole. Then we beat them 6-3 in Berlin, but since all the players were ordered by the foreign office to perform the Nazi salute before the game, I think it’s best if we just wipe that from existence, because it’s bad enough that those players had to live with that on their conscience without me going back over the various moral implications of the situation in which they found themselves. Incidentally just for the record, I don’t “blame” the players for having done it, but I wouldn’t want to have lived the rest of my life having been part of that team.
So, let’s get on to the meat and two veg of this most famous football rivalry. Why do I say that we ought to just shut up because Germany have battered us on aggregate over the years? Well, you’re about to find out. In our first competitive game against them, we beat them in the 1966 World Cup, so score one England. They then proceeded to beat us in 1970, and 1990, when they went on to win the World cup. This wasn’t the only tournament in which a good England side (and potential winners) faltered to the Germans. In our own back yard no less at Euro 96, England famously failed from 12 yards yet again – in what was my choice as most heartbreaking football moment of my life. In Euro 96, before the Germans beat us, the Daily Mirror - in an attempt to stir up some national “pride” - published the famous headline: "Achtung! Surrender! For You Fritz, ze Euro 96 Championship is over", which sickened me at the time, and certainly hasn’t lost its disgusting edge in the 14 or so years since it was published. The editor of the paper? Piers Morgan. Help, I have died of shock.
Following this, Germany won the final game at Wembley, which breaks my heart but is true. Yet again, that game was marred by sheer brain-dead idiocy. As Ian Ridley wrote in the Observer, “It was the last refuge of the inadequate. Half-time neared, England were a goal down and a sizeable section of the crowd sullied the ever-dampening occasion. 'Stand up if you won the War,' they sang". They should have picked every last one of them up and banned them from football, and if possible from society.
The times since the ‘66 final that we’ve beaten Germany have been effectively pointless. They are also few and far between. How many times between 1966 and 2000 did England beat Germany? Twice. How many were competitive games? That’s right folks, none. Yes, we beat them in Euro 2000, in a shockingly boring 1-0 game… but for what? We both got knocked out in the group stages so there was no benefit to us, and it’s staggeringly apparent that the German side in question was one of the weakest in living memory. Then, of course, we beat them 5-1 in Munich. Now, as a standalone result, that is obviously hugely pleasing – but the fact remains that all that happened in the aftermath of that game was that both teams went to the World Cup, so we didn’t really inconvenience them all that badly – we just humiliated them a little bit, and they then went on to go further than we did in the tournament anyway – so what the hell do they care if they got hammered in one qualifier? That 5-1 game was fun for 90 minutes but it was ultimately totally meaningless. It didn’t kickstart a great England turnaround and set us off on the road to being a world class team, it just seemed to galvanise the Germans even more who then went to Japan and got to the final while we wilted like petunias against an average-at-best Brazillian side. Oh, and incidentally after the 5-1 in Munich, the Sunday Mirror’s headline was “Blitzed” – yet again an insensitive and pointless reference to something that had nothing to do with football. Incidentally, I’m not saying that an epic war against another country doesn’t add a bit of something extra to games in the immediate aftermath. How could it not? I don’t think it should, but I won’t pretend to be so whiter than white that if I had played for England in 1946 against Germany some feelings would still have been running a bit high. But it ought to have subsided by 1966 and it really ought to have subsided by 1996.
Now, it upsets me greatly that we don’t have more in our locker against Germany – or in fact any other major side in Europe – but the facts quite clearly tell their own story, which is that when it comes to football, we have been in Germany’s pocket ever since the 1966 final and the sooner we accept that and actually try to do something about it rather than whinging and singing “Two World Wars and one World Cup”, the better. I think it says it all that the Germans don’t even see us as their main rivals. They have a stronger rivalry with the Dutch, and who can blame them? The Dutch have also traditionally been a much better team than we have, Euro 96 aside.
In the grand pantheon of England v Germany games, the stats speak for themselves. The countries have met 27 times. England have won 12, which isn’t bad but needs to be read in the context that 7 of those were before 1966, when England beat pretty much anyone who wasn’t Hungary. So, from 1966 onwards, we have played Germany 19 times. Germany have won 12, and 2 have been draws. Can’t argue with the facts now boys. Perhaps the words of the song should be changed to “one World Cup, a number of disappointing performances, and near-continuous footballing inadequacy ever since.” Not as catchy, I’ll grant you, but at least we could sing it and know we spoke the truth.
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